Two months back, I happened to read my local community newspaper and as I was browsing through the pages, I happened to reach the hypocritical column. No, I’m not talking about the law news or religious propaganda that form the basis of my Hypocrite Diaries; I’m talking about Horoscope.

I’ve had a giant tussle with horoscope. Growing through the years, I found books after books that my Mom would purchase and try and gauge her future. Over that, through my teen years when me and my Mother would bicker often, she thought that it would be better for her if she made me understand my psyche based on the date I was born, the alphabet I was named by, and the corresponding psychological effect that had on me, along with the “solution” for my frustrated tantrums. She thought she had a damn blueprint for my behavior and actions based on my star signs and this would help us cement our differences, so to speak.

Instead of making me realize my potential, and think “Whoa! This is what I was looking for my entire life. I love my Mother despite her odd beliefs and she is so very right.”, it made me think what a load of bullshit that was trying to assume that factors A corresponding with behavior B would ALWAYS lead to the outcome C.

Back to the point, for fun – I read through the Numerology section. I added my birthdate 1+3=4 and read how my “week” would go. The content went something like this, “You shall have a little trouble with your spouse or your relationship; but on the other side, you’ll have an amazing time on the professional front.” And then I thought to myself, “But wait a minute, I am single and jobless. So how the hell is my week supposed to go?”

That’s when I had a moment of Eureka. You see Horoscope shall never apply to kids or senior citizens since they have barely anything social or professional inclinations, and since the words “You’re gonna crap your pants” don’t look good in newspapers. Horoscope can barely affect teens because they have too much going on in their lives, varying from pleasant to plain idiotic. Horoscope applies majorly to the mid-life crises – “too busy in their work – too tired to have time for family or themselves” kinds of people. The kinds who would substitute having a shoulder to cry to or an ear to listen to, in exchange of merely reading how the recent future would hold for them. It creates the illusion that things shall turn out better just by continuing the way the schedule keeps draining you.

Instead of ponder on how a stupid notion about predicting the next 7 days of an individual would manage a person to have a “career” and earn largely, and that such action should be eradicated and considered illegal, I thought of a career somewhat myself – Tadaaaaa and that’s when the idea of Teen Numerology grabbed my attention. Finally, I could use my knowledge of observation of behaviors, listening to various problems, watching sit-coms, stand up routines, and put that all to good use. This way I was able to build a formula for Teen Numerology. You’re officially reading the first draft of my book.

No, you don’t have to calculate and you can just randomly choose a number. If you don’t like the things associated with the number, select another until you reach your characteristic – That’s right, you’re free to choose.

1- You’re going to successfully cheat on your loved one. When in time of confrontation, you’re gonna put the onus on the partner’s inability to your own happiness, thereby feasting on the other person’s guilt and going away scot-free with your head held high. Sadly, the rest of the week will go with you increasing your sexual appetite only without the neverending support of a person willing to put up with your bullshit.

2- You’re going to successfully take a stand against a social issue, and upload a picture stating “1 Like = 1 I Agree With This Issue” and put up a status saying “i agri vid dis sooo much. ive hd enuff. *Sad Smiley*” and/or various other connotations, syntax as well as grammatical experimentations.

3- You’re gonna work through the entire week keeping a schedule; on Friday you’re gonna update your status or various pictures or Memes, all depicting your weekend plans which involve topics of clubbing, dating, women, booze, eating, women, hangover, and more women. Consequently, your Monday shall begin with a status cribbing about the rest of the week.

4- You’re gonna be sitting through your week contemplating and planning your entire schedule whether to do with morals, or approaching that person you like for coffee, starting a gym regime, or beginning the revision for your exams and whatnot; after which you’re gonna be overwhelmed by the weight and expectation of it all, and continue being a couch potato.

5- You’re gonna buy a new article of clothing, run first into your bathroom and click a picture. Then, you’re gonna do one of two things or both, depending on how awesome a time you had with the effects on your phone, corresponding with how you look. 1] Upload it on instagram and hashtagging your way through at least 25 odd adjectives and/or articles you see in the picture. 2] Upload on Facebook, with a high chance of you tagging most of your like-minded [or should I say Lack-Of-Minded] friends and following it up by Thanking each Like in a new comment. I promise you your week shall be most rivetting.

6- You’re going to update a status which shall act as a Metaphorical One-Liner suggesting your wrath, angst or frustration against a particular “Notion”. That very “Notion” would be a characteristic, which is the flaw with your BFF or “Homie”, as the gender may be; and that flaw would be the core reason for your fight and corresponding anger.

7- You shall be less judgmental this week. You’ll see various people around you and won’t assume their characteristics based on their appearance or choices or even based on their sentences. You’ll also not try to create jokes or sit-com scenarios in your head based on such judgments. Who am I kidding? Of course, you’ll continue judging.

8- You’ll suffer from the Sour Grape Principle. You’ll look at something or someone you need, you’ll imagine a world of your own with it. You’ll then see your own resources of getting it, the lack of which will cause you to hate your incapacity to have that particular one or thing; after which you’ll go on a tirade to deface that very thing or person, irrespective of how much it completes you.

9- You’re gonna be the one who has read through all 8 earlier characteristics just to find the one you feel positive about. Despite having some varied degrees of all 8 characteristics, you’ll still want to feel unique. Well, you won’t, not unless you accept that some or all of those 8 characteristics exist in you. Only then, shall you be able to construct a scenario where you’ll be able to stand out and mock at a fellow hell-bent on observing people and constructing them into categories.

There you have it. My million dollar idea. Pbbbbht!